Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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