do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
