I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
