mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
