wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
