I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
