I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
