1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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