I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
