I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
