hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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