The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
