My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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