see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
