i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
