my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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