i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That accounts for only three of the penises
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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