I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
