apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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