my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
