Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
