Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My breasts were aching with rage.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
