Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
