eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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