My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
