if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
