ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
