I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
