My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
