I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize