I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
