Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
