Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
