you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
