o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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