I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
