Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
