So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
