Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
