just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
