The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
