Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
