K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
