did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i dont even know how to be here
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
