In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
