I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
