Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
