My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
