I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
