im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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