'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
