I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
