Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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