She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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