I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
